We've all had those talks with friends. "A buckeye?! You mean your mascot is a nut?" "What even is a boilermaker? Some sort of lousy craftsman that can only make one thing?" "What the hell is a Lobo!?"
But what if instead of playing basketball, the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament Final Four schools sent their mascots to duke it out? What follows is a highly educated prediction.
Michigan: The Wolverines
Wolverines are the nasty little creatures of the north, like little miniature bears without any of the redeemable qualities. They're known to feed on all of the little rodents of the woods, and to never back down from a fight.
Loyola Chicago: The Hobos
Now I know what you're thinking, isn't the LoyChi mascot some sort of wolf? Yeah it is, but that's boring, so I went all the way back to 1985 and decided to pick good ol' Bo Rambler, who they abandoned in 1990 after realizing having a hobo for a mascot might not be the best idea.
Villanova: The Wildcats
I'm gonna go ahead and give 'Nova the benefit of the doubt and call them mountain lions for this one, because all Google images gives me for wildcats are cute little house-cat looking things sitting in trees.
Kansas: The Jayhawks
I'm really at a loss on this one. First off we need to figure out what a Jayhawker is. Long story short, they were guerrilla fighters that were anti slavery during the civil war. Cool, but apparently the whole jayhawk bird thing was an idea when Kansas was selecting their mascot, so we're going with the most common belief that a jayhawk is a bluejay that preys on sparrow type birds.
The Match-up: Hobo vs. Wolverine:
We truly have a match-up for the ages here, as the wolverine is basically the hobo of the animal world. Now I'm no animal expert so I chose to turn to the professionals at the great British Broadcasting Channel who say that "...their hissy fits are just for show - a demonic display performed not as a precursor to a good lashing, but simply to scare away the threat, be it a bigger predator or a human. In short the wolverine often bluffs, exaggerating its fearsomeness." From personal experience, I can tell you that a hobo is never bluffing when they decide to inflict violence upon their enemies, which puts them at a distinct advantage. The hobo is definitely going to need a rabies shot when all is said and done, but i think the wolverine just won't be tough enough. RESULT: HOBO ADVANCES
The Match-up: Wildcat vs. Jayhawk (AKA Mountain Lion vs. Blue Jay)
Unfortunately this turned into a little bit of a one sided affair, and assuming that the mountain lion has the ability to be smarter than Sylvester the Cat I can't see 'Nova losing this one.
RESULT: WILDCAT ADVANCES
THE FINAL: HOBO vs. WILDCAT
Mountain Lions have accounted for only 3 recorded human deaths in the past 18 years, but you can't sleep on their ability to use such amazing speed and power. The hobo definitely wins the mental war in this scenario, as long as the mental war is understanding that they need the fight to get over as soon as possible to be first in line at the soup kitchen. This matchup seems so even, we're going to need to find some sort of X-factor. That X-factor is the shank located in the hobo's old holey sock. Whether it's some sort of toothbrush blade or even just a really sharp number two pencil, I believe in the hobo's ability to use that shank to secure victory.
Congratulations to your 2018 NCAA Mascot Thunderdome Tournament Winner - The Hobo!
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